If you’re anything like me before marriage, you must have bought the lie that marriage would somehow magically make all things right, once I had a husband, my life would magically become complete. All my issues, past hurts and life worries would somehow no longer exist. You could blame it on the romantic novels I had grown up reading or just something I picked up along the way. I truly believed when you married, this my idea of the ‘knight in shining armor’, I had foolishly bought into would make all things right.
What I found instead when I did get married, was that some of my more deep-rooted issues started clawing their way to the surface. My insecurities did not magically disappear, and neither did my past. In fact, being in a marriage highlighted things I did not see before. I realized I had more work to do on myself after I had gotten into marriage than before.
If the truth be told, none of us should be going into, marriage or be in a relationship, in the hopes that it will make us whole and fill the gaps in our lives. All that romantic jargon of “You complete me” and phrases of that nature are just not true. It’s like saying, “I am no longer accountable for my own growth because I have a partner now. It becomes very dangerous when, we seek and get into relationships not because we actually love the person, but because we hope that by getting into one, our self-esteem, self-worth and identity issues will be solved.
Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works. Many marriages have failed not because the spouse was bad but because we seem to ask too much of our spouses and because no human is made to complete anyone they fail miserably at the very job they were not created to do.
It’s interesting to see that this is not a recent trend as we have various examples in the bible. Take Rachel for instance, (Gen 30:1) she was barren and somehow thought her husband could change that predicament and she demanded that he give her a child or she dies. I know many of us might not be that dramatic in our expectations but we equally have such unrealistic expectations. These expectations and pressures we tend to project onto our partners are usually what our entire circle of support system used to provide for us.
The only person responsible for your quest for wholeness is yourself and the one who completes is God not any man or thing. Don’t get me wrong, I think being with someone you love can and will bring you happiness and support, but as much as you may wish for it, another person cannot do your growing for you. They can only help you along the way.
Instead of expecting someone to come along and make you complete, first work on yourself. Figure out what is missing in your life and why. Find ways to make you happy and content.
And if you’re already in a relationship, asking your partner to be there for you as you grow and navigate yourself is much healthier for your relationship, and quite frankly, more fair.
As soon as you realize that it’s ultimately your responsibility to achieve wholeness, the journey is already half done. The next part will be seeking God for your completeness.