
A few years ago, a friend confided in me about a difficult conversation she had with her husband. They had been married for almost 15 years, and although they had a strong relationship, the topic of respect had always been a sore point. One day, after a particularly stressful week, her husband sat her down and, for the first time, said, “I feel like you don’t respect me.” She was taken aback because, in her mind, she wasn’t doing anything disrespectful.
“We’re both Christians,” she told me, “and I don’t abuse him or shout at him. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing that he interpreted as disrespectful.” But as they talked, she began to realize that being disrespectful isn’t just about the obvious things like yelling, belittling, or calling names. There are more subtle behaviors—what she called “the insidious things”—that can erode respect and, if left unchecked, lead to deeper issues in the marriage.
Her story made me reflect on how many of us may be unintentionally disrespectful without even realizing it. Respect is something men crave deeply, even if they don’t always say it out loud. For many, respect isn’t just about admiration; it’s about feeling valued and supported. Without it, even the best relationships can start to feel strained.
In Ephesians 5:33, Paul writes, “and the wife must respect her husband.” At first glance, this can feel like a tall order, especially when we’re frustrated or not feeling particularly like respecting the husband who keeps annoying you. Here’s the thing: it’s not about whether your husband is perfect. It’s about the power that respect has in marriage and the role it plays in building trust, love, and connection.
What Does Disrespect Look Like?
Disrespect can show up in ways we don’t always recognize. It’s not always blatant, like yelling or name-calling. Sometimes it’s subtle but still harmful. Here are a few examples:
- Criticism in public: Even if it’s said as a joke, comments like “He can’t even fix a light bulb without messing it up” can sting. Criticizing your husband, especially in front of others, undermines his confidence and can make him feel small.
- Interrupting or dismissing his ideas: If your husband shares a thought or suggestion and you immediately shoot it down or talk over him, it can send the message that you don’t value his opinion. Over time, this can erode communication and make him feel unheard.
- Eye-rolling or sarcastic responses: Non-verbal cues like rolling your eyes or giving sarcastic replies when he’s trying to communicate can come across as dismissive and disrespectful. These small gestures can build up and make him feel like his thoughts or feelings don’t matter.
- Ignoring his efforts: If your husband is trying to help around the house or with the kids and it’s met with a “You didn’t do it right” or “I’ll just do it myself,” he may feel that his efforts aren’t appreciated. Even if it’s not perfect, acknowledging his help goes a long way.
The Subtle Ways We Show Disrespect
My friend came to realize that disrespect isn’t always about the obvious “big four”—abuse, shouting, belittling, or controlling behavior. Sometimes it’s in the small, everyday actions that seem harmless but can build up over time. These insidious things include:
- Withholding gratitude: When we stop thanking our husbands for the things they do, it can make them feel taken for granted. Even if it’s something as simple as taking out the trash or helping with the kids, expressing gratitude reminds them that their contributions are valued.
- Comparing him to others: Whether it’s out loud or in your mind, comparing your husband to another man—especially one who seems more successful, attentive, or capable—can be incredibly damaging. Even if you don’t say it directly, these comparisons can seep into your interactions and make your husband feel like he’s constantly falling short.
- Dismissing his emotions: Men are often expected to be strong and steady, but they have emotions too. When we brush off their feelings or make them feel like they’re overreacting, we send the message that their emotional needs aren’t as important as ours.
Why Respect Matters
Respect in marriage isn’t just about being polite. It’s about creating an environment where your husband feels valued and supported. When men feel respected, they’re more likely to open up, be vulnerable, and stay engaged in the relationship. Respect makes them feel secure, which builds trust and deeper connection.
Think of it this way: just as women want to feel loved, men want to feel respected. And when respect is lacking, it can create tension, distance, and resentment.
How to Show Respect
Respect doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your husband says or never voice your own opinions. It’s about how you communicate and treat each other. Here are some simple ways to show respect:
- Acknowledge his strengths: Even if he’s not great at everything, point out what he does well. Saying something like, “I appreciate how hard you work for our family” can go a long way in making him feel respected.
- Listen without interrupting: When he’s sharing something, even if you disagree, let him finish speaking. Show him that his thoughts are worth hearing.
- Thank him for his efforts: Whether it’s doing a chore, handling a stressful situation, or supporting you in a difficult time, let him know you see and appreciate what he does.
- Speak kindly: In moments of frustration, it’s easy to snap or say something harsh. Take a deep breath and choose your words carefully, remembering that kindness goes a long way in showing respect.
Why God’s Design Works
Paul’s words in Ephesians aren’t meant to burden us but to guide us toward healthier relationships. Respecting your husband doesn’t mean he’s perfect or that you ignore your own needs. It means recognizing the unique role that respect plays in a man’s heart and the impact it has on your marriage.
When we shift our focus from deserving respect to choosing to respect, we step into a more peaceful, loving dynamic. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
At the end of the day, respect is one of the key ingredients to a strong, lasting marriage. So, take a moment to reflect on how you communicate and engage with your husband. Small shifts in behavior can make a huge difference in how connected and appreciated he feels.
When we stop waiting for our husbands to “deserve” respect and start choosing to respect them because it’s part of God’s design, something powerful happens. We stop focusing on their flaws and start appreciating their efforts. We begin to build a marriage that is less about keeping score and more about mutual love and support.
But this isn’t easy. It takes faith, patience, and a willingness to grow. It takes understanding that respect is not just about your husband’s behavior—it’s about your heart and attitude too.
Taking Action: Reflect and Reconnect
Now that you’ve read through this, take a moment to reflect. What are some areas in your marriage where you could show more respect? Are there words or actions you might need to adjust to create a more respectful environment?
Think about how small changes in how you communicate, listen and appreciate your husband could lead to a deeper connection.
If you’re feeling uncertain about where to start, here’s a challenge: over the next week, make a conscious effort to offer words of affirmation, listen more attentively, and show appreciation for your husband’s efforts. Pay attention to how he responds and how it shifts the atmosphere in your relationship.
Respect is not just something you offer when it’s earned—it’s a gift you give to your marriage. As you take steps to foster more respect, you’ll likely see your relationship grow stronger, healthier, and more connected. So, take that first step today and watch how it transforms your marriage for the better.
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